The Baiting House, Upper Sapey (or Worst Hash Ever)

#281 (Worst Hash Ever) or The Baiting House, Upper Sapey

Date: 21st November 2013
Pub: The Baiting House, Upper Sapey
Beers: Dunno
Food: The Best Lasagne in the World, Veggie Curry
Hares: Shag and Webby

Trail:
Well. The moon looked great tonight as we set off across fields on what turned out to be a guided ramble, on a route not dissimilar to that of Shag's 50th birthday hash... We had 2 hash halts at locations with easy access to roads (possibly so that flour could be chucked from car windows) but we didn't care. We had marshmallows.
We were promised mud, and we got mud. The third hash halt (Carpy's beautiful Georgian farmhouse) was an oasis of gentility in a sea of slurry. I'm not sure their decking will recover. And neither will my toenails, which are still stained greeny brown (although according to Doggy Fashion this can be sorted with a spot of purple nail varnish).

Down downs:
Hares Shag and Webby for the worst hash ever (it seemed to the 20 or so hashers that they had started off with good intentions, sprinkling a bit of finest whole grain flour for half a mile or so, and then decided they'd go back to the pub for a few beers but then couldn't really be bothered to complete the task), Bruce for planning to turn up in shorts to pretend he'd run but in the end couldn't even be bothered to do that, Lassie for having new shoes and a naming for Rachel 3rd: Still Sore as this was her response to Annie's question "how are you feeling after the weekend?".

Ok, bye!

Cleopatra

Next week: The Button Oak, Button Oak

The Land Oak, Kidderminster

# 180

Date: Thursday 14th November 2013 
Pub: The Land Oak, Kidderminster
Beers: Hobgoblin & Banks’s Bitter
Food: 2 for 1 off the menu
Hare: Clodhopper
Visitors / virgins: none

Trail: The unpredictable hash...

A cold, wintry evening saw Clodhopper arise from his sick bed to rescue tonight’s fun and games, and fun and games they certainly were! About 20 hashers (no wammals) set off down Chester Road North, turning left into Hurcott Road, encountering some confusion on the brow of the hill causing the FRBs to end up at the back before heading back and down Gheluvelt Avenue. 

The Amateur and Say No More got back to the front as we went down to the foxholes and behind the houses on the Stourbridge road. Game Bird was given some inside information and swiftly made it down to Springfield park to the 1st HH. Darth Radar shared the fruit pastilles and Doggy Fashion was impressed with the offerings.

Across (not through) the stream and all areas were being checked out but Say No More managed to pick up the trail whilst we were out in the open, although lost it again once we headed into the muddy woods. Another complete turnaround with the FRBs at the back yet again kept Clodhopper chuckling to himself! 

Back along canal to the 2nd HH, with another fine selection of sweets, but a missed Hash View. Shag was making his own hash view courtesy of Hot Lips, Doggy Fashion and Wrong, who’d made a welcome return. It’ll be interesting to see if he gets his new App. patented.

Back down towards the park on Waterside Grange, where Shag wanted another impromptu HH but was left alone on the climbing frame. Round onto the canal towpath again and we experienced Clodhopper’s twisty turny way of a straight route!

Down to the bridge and much more confusion as noone was calling and everyone was everywhere! Beavis and Butthead were way out front and probably causing the confusion, meanwhile, Hotlips, Cleopatra & Game Bird were FRBs on more than one occasion – go girls!

Lassie had missed 2 HH’s and was found at the 3rd, Who’s the Daddy was on a red bull roll and was pretty unstoppable and Shag actually was on his best behaviour, for once, despite being goaded for information! Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy are safe this week.

The last part of the trail gained even more unpredictability as it took us under the underpass, where Beavis & Butthead charmed us with their dulcet cavemen tones. The Amateur tried finding a trail that wasn’t there and ended up at the back yet again, with him and the Pro discussing the advantages of good hearing. 

Down onto the towpath again, cutting back onto Weaver’s Wharf, past Frankie & Benny’s and into town where some of us were showered with salt grit (just in case we were freezing). Through the town centre, up the old high street, right onto Worcester Street and a very cheeky checkback taking us up the steps onto Bromsgrove Street. 

The final HH before setting off under the subway and following our noses back to the on inn – but oh no, Clodhopper hadn’t finished with us yet! Yet more twists and turns up Offmore road, winding back onto Leswell Lane then back down to Offmore Road again, scaring some poor householder stupid as we hollered past her window. Back onto the Chester Road and a straightforward On Inn – although I was sure we were going to be led a merry dance somewhere along the way…

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion to Clodhopper for his brilliant hash, keeping everyone on their toes & giving everyone a chance at being an FRB; Lassie, who finally came home and is finally out of the doghouse too; and finally to Game Bird and Cyclopath for using Sainsbury’s for their “conveniences”

Hope you’re all having a fabulous hash weekend : )

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Baiting House, Upper Sapey, WR6 6XT

The Monster Hash

# 277

Date: Thursday 31st October 2013

Pub: The Angel, Stourport
Beers: Marston’s Old Empire, Ringwood, Boondoggle
Food: meat / veggie chilli, beef stew & huge hunks of bread
Hare: Lassie
Visitors / virgins: Emily (hashling)

The Monster Hash

We were running through Stourport on Thursday night
The locals would behold an eerie sight
From the Angel, in our costumes, we began to rise
And suddenly, to our surprise

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Up through the town and along the streets
Stopping along the way for spooky sweets
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
For a Halloween run along the roads

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

The ghosts and zombies were having fun
The witching party had just begun
Cyclopath, GB and DF were dolled up right
But Plays with IT was a frightening sight

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Lots of hashlings had come out for the night
The entertainment was a spooky delight
Marshmallow and apple bobbing and if you dare
Shag’s filthy bucket of bodily spares

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

The carved pumpkins were glowing bright
Dr Whiplash’s wolf won first prize
The dog got singed but the punch was lush
Before Ollie joined Shag to fling some more mush

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

The horn was blowing and the skeletons raced
Lady Penelope was yet again setting the pace
The Pro’s undies were greenly glowing
And Lassie was telling us where we were going

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Ghoulish makeup was the name of the game
I don’t think Cross Dresser will ever be the same
Back across the common, heading back to the pub
To drink our beers and eat our grub

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Doggy Fashion’s cake was amazingly good
For Lassie’s birthday, a welcome pud
We all applauded his ghoulish trail
The birthday boy in his bewitching regale

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was his birthday bash
We did the hash
It was a Halloween smash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Down downs to all the hashlings who were rewarded with wands
Plays with IT has some clever hands
Lauren won best costume in her monster high dress
Plays with IT won worst for his frightful veg

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Lassie and Mrs Lassie for the best hash and halt
For the fun and games, they’re worth their salt
Bushwhacker and Sprout were renamed Beavis and Butthead
Ollie – Puke Chucker - when RA could wet his head

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Shag, the mischief-maker in his ghoulish frock
And Ollie’s a real old chip off the block
And that concludes events for tonight at least
We’ll all be back again with Tits or Treats

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash



Hot Lips x
(with the help of Bobby “Boris” Pickett)

Next week: The Steps, Clifton-upon-Teme, WR6 6EN
Bonfire Hash – bring a firework!

The Swan, Blakedown

# 276

Date: Thursday 24th October 2013 

Pub: The Swan, Blakedown

Beers: Hopeless, EPA, Thatchers cider

Food: off the menu

Hares: Dr Jeckyll and Shirley

Trail: The horses, trains & automobiles hash! 

22 excitable hashers, with a big medical contingent tonight, 1 Demon Dog, the usual chaos on the car park with lots of interruptions requiring reprimanding by Cross Dresser. The dinner order was finally sorted, we got the lowdown from Dr Jeckyll, our virgin hare, and then we were off.

A great mixture of on and off road this evening, starting out on the Birmingham Road, going up and over the railway track, then back down through the houses and onto Mill Lane and around Churchill. Not much calling out from the FRBs but the hash horn was reliably sounding out up ahead. 

Hash Quack was on one, Bushwhacker and Russell Sprout were the hapless duo and Shag was mesmerised by shrinking buns. Across the fields and a herd of frisky horses slowed us down a little but horse-whisperers Penelope Pitstop and the Pro took the gently, gently approach, whilst Who’s the Daddy took a more manly approach, sending the horses galloping away. Back over the railway line and the gentle hum of a train approaching. Like starry-eyed children, we all stopped to watch it go by, apart from Hash Quack who was obliviously checking out the route a few fields away…

Plenty of Haribo at the first HH gets Dr Jeckyll his first brownie point and then we faced our next obstacle – the road. All was quiet for the first few to cross, then a commotion developed behind as the rear two thirds of the hash stopped the traffic. A large queue was forming behind a lorry and the hashers were relishing the attention whilst they sauntered across the A456. All we needed now was the helicopter…

Down into the woods again where the paths got wetter and muddier, the hills got steeper but the flour remained in abundance, well, mostly. Sprout lost his shoe and got stuck in the mud, a group came to his assistance in searching for the muddied trainer, whilst the FRBs thought they’d taken the wrong trail. More uphill climbing after the regrouping and Lady Penelope was sure she knew the way…

It was a fair old trek to the next HH but the boys were rewarded with a great tree to climb and more Haribo for the rest of us. Hash Quack, still on one, was eager to check it out way too soon and headed off in the wrong direction. There seemed to be a little confusion about the way to go… or was the hare just making us work? We finally picked up the right trail, there was some barging at the stile and then a real “out-of-control” downhill – wa-heeeeeeey! 

The final furlong saw Lady Penelope up front, calling the way to a bemused Cross Dresser behind her who seemed to be impersonating one of the royal family. A few more country lanes and we were back to the on inn with food fit for a king.

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion to our hares Dr Jeckyll and Hairy Shirley (not actually her name) for their perfect virgin hash with a fine array of obstacles; Lady Penelope the pill-popping, tom-tomming, FRB who also happened to arrive early - the new Porsche must be a faster ride than the range rover darling. Russell Sprout for becoming shoeless in the mud and having everyone else look for it; and finally, the RA felt it fitting to award herself a down down for helping with the shoe fiasco… well, why not?

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Angel, Stourport, DY13 9EW – Halloween Hash. 

Bring your spooky carved pumpkins, they will be taken to a secret HH and judged later…

Saints Memorial Hash

# 275

Date: Thursday 10^th October 2013

Pub: The Bridge Inn, Stanford Bridge

Beers: HPA, Otter Bright, Three Tuns, Hobson’s Mild, Hobson’s Twisted Spire, Robinsons cider, Stowford Press cider

Food: meat / veggie chillli & rice

Hares: Hash Quack & Get Down Shep

Trail: a lovely trail this evening for Saint’s memorial hash.  An excellent turn out too, despite the drop in temperature and it was good to see so many of us wearing stripes in his memory.  The rain did threaten briefly on the ride out to Stanford Bridge but thankfully held off.  There was, of course, the usual chaos on the car park at the start, plus the obligatory latecomer...

A 4-miler from Hash Quack? Surely not!  The mention of only 2 HHs caused a few sighs so we added our own anyway.  Doggy Fashion was telling us about last week’s decree of a minimum of Haribo at a HH.  We didn’t think we’d get anything this evening but how wrong could we be?  A beautiful location at the top of the hill next to the church and we were treated to Hash Quack’s antique washing basket full of goodies!  Legover appeared out of nowhere to “help” and promptly spilled the contents all over the floor, causing a few breakages along the way.  Then, armed with beers, squash and sweets, Cross Dresser led the toast to our gone but never forgotten friend. 

Who’s the Daddy thought he heard Shag say he was going to visit his mother’s drain, whilst Legover was quizzed over yet another late appearance.  Cross Dresser was intent on feeling sexually harassed, whilst Get Down Shep was feeling the pain and had to duck out early.  What could possibly go wrong, Hash Quack’s a true professional isn’t she?

Lots of off road, plenty of hills, plenty of obstacles in the forms of fallen tree trunks and low-slung branches (not that they affect all of us) and plenty of stinging nettles still.  A muddy downhill put the Amateur on his behind, whilst Shag and Demon Dog were trying to mislead us down the wrong path.

Game Bird found herself tangled up in barbed wire, we found more crosses than flour, we were on-back more than we were on-on and then Hash Quack lost the trail herself!  We were led down through the woods, almost got decapitated by low branches whipping back in our faces, only to be led back again, the disturbed pheasants sounding more like a herd of manic horses than flapping birds.  The howling dogs added to the atmosphere of chaos we seemed to be causing, then we heard Hash Quack’s squeals of delight, as she’d found her own trail!

I managed to somehow join Copulation, Clodhopper and Lassie, the usual FRBs, but was too easily corrupted by Cross Dresser and had Lassie mooning and the rest of us howling.  Torchy the Battery Boy had been spotted trying to up-end Who’s the Daddy as he squatted with shoelace trouble.  Early Riser and Cross Dresser were also feeling a bit frisky and retorted to Torchy’s antics with some tipping of their own.

Back out on the road, the masses spotted a check at a stile, raced off down the field but couldn’t decipher the marking on the cowpat.  We were sure it would be this way but Hash Quack knew we’d think that too.  A kind passer by in her 4X4 asked if we were lost?  Ha! Us? Not lost, just a little fooled by Hash Quack’s cunning plan to take us along the road.  All in all, a great run, the longest on-inn in history (or were Lady Penelope & I so deep in conversation that we did the very opposite of short-cutting?) and some very fine food back at the on-inn.

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion to Hash Quack and Get Down Shep for their worst hash with no styles or footpaths, only to be redeemed by proper refreshments; Legover for making a hash of the one job he was given to do; Cleopatra for leaving her back door open; Who’s the Daddy for his cruelty to children; Early Riser and Cross Dresser for their bullying and finally to Penelope Pitstop for getting her puppy out back at the on inn.

Hot Lips x

Next week: Ketch Inn, Worcester, WR5 3HW