The Swan Inn, Knowlesands, near Bridgnorth

Hash 316 Date: Thursday 17th July Venue: running from a layby from a vague location near Bridgnorth, dining at the Swan Inn, Knowlesands, near Bridgnorth Food: Pork Chops & chips / Thai veggie curry & rice Beers: Hobson's Town Crier, Oxford Gold, Fancy Nordic cider etc. etc. Hare: Well Laid Visitors/virgins: none Trail: The best Well Laid hash ever! It's lucky any of us found the right lay-by on the B455. Most of us thought it was the first lay-by, as it was on the road out of Bridgnorth and near a bridge. The wrong bridge but it there was definitely a bridge so we could all be forgiven for that mistake. Thank goodness for sat navs! And so whilst we waited for the rest of the hash to find the right lay-by, we were treated to the pungent aroma of rotting flesh. Well Laid reckoned it must have been a deer or something as the smell was so bad. Get Down Shep & Copulation found another culprit on the verge of the roadside, a pheasant. Could that really make all that smell? Somebody had turned up on a bike & proceeded to read his book whilst more hashers steadily arrived. A phonecaller from an unknown number was given directions to said lay-by and we waited again for the surprise guests to arrive. Shirley & Vicky, of course! And that means that the roadside reader was Dan! Doh! We finally congregated, a little late but nobody really cared, and Well Laid gave us a demonstration of her trail: sawdust and you're on, except when you see arrows in flour just like this... We were sent off up the road, whilst she decorated the B455 with more arrows for an even later latecomer... Say No More. From the road, turning right into a field and following some crops of beans. The Pro had taken a path of her own only to return looking like she was being filmed for a shampoo ad. The evening sun glowed brightly and the beans slowed us down as we all wanted a nibble. Game Bird wasn't sure they could be eaten raw, Crossdresser argued they could, whilst the rest of us ate them regardless. Doggy Fashion's naivety was exposed as Copulation was talking about doing something else to them at the 1st HH. That's not what 1st base is all about, Copulation! The FRBs were keen to check it out so the pack followed them one way, Copulation took the lone path this time, whilst I hung around, still eating beans. The hare helped me out by drawing another arrow on the ground & we called the pack back. A lovely bit of a forest trail next with barely a path, talk of lost husbands & helpers and lots of brambles & nettles. Underneath the railway bridge and we all emerged into a gently sloping field where we were treated to cooled refreshments once we reached the top. Cleopatra was the latecomer to the party, Well Laid was the hostess with the mostess, Whiplash was skirting around the edges, Hash Quack & Get Down Shep we're hoping for a quick getaway whilst Shirley was reprimanding Crossdresser & Shag for their party tricks. Over the road and into a field where a dodgy stile & a Demon Dog clashed, resulting in a Game Bird flapping her wings. On on to the next picturesque spot: a beautiful old building, a quaint bridge over the babbling brook and the lesser spotted Whiplash perching high on the tree stump on one leg (?!?) Of course, the tranquility was soon broken by the sparring of Shag & Crossdresser as their competing to be alpha male got a little out of hand! Just around the next corner was the best surprise: I just couldn't resist having a bounce; Crossdresser tried (but failed) to catapult me off, although the expired farm animal below ensured we didn't stay too long! The final HH back near civilisation saw Doggy Fashion get excited about the sweets whilst the Pro got excited about certain erections. We rounded Astbury Hall, apparently the home of a certain rock star, for which Wrong had some details that were swiftly misconstrued before he was almost violated on the golf course. I don't think he minded really. The photo at the gate at the other end of the course caused even more hilarity and some posing from Game Bird, Cleopatra & Crossdresser. Game Bird was the only one to adopt the Irish accent, whilst the others adopted some cheesey grins! The final stile and a slightly chaotic dash up the road back to the on-lay-by. A quick change & to the on inn for a rather posh tea for a Thursday. The yin and yang of hashes, with some beautiful scenery interspersed with various rotting creatures, and some very dense undergrowth plus the neatest fairways ever seen - well done Well Laid! Down downs: Crossdresser awarded a down down and the very special Well Laid Best Hash Ever award to Well Laid for her best hash ever as it was the hash that had everything, including a dead sheep under a trampoline! Bushwacker for driving the Boulder Mobile and competing in the Wacky Races; the Pro & the Amateur for being Rock & Gravel the new Slag brothers; Game Bird & Shirley for reprimanding the naughty boys (grumpy indeed) Just one last thing about the big house, was it owned by someone from Deep Purple? Ozzy from Black Sabbath? Or Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath? Only Game Bird could ask who is.... Tony O'Holy??? (Rumour has it, he's in Boyzone & has a Twitter account, hasn't he Crossdresser?) Hot Lips x Next week: Kinver Edge, DY7 6HX NB Postcode approximate, park between the Warden's house & the farm shop Picnic afterwards - food offers to Dr Whiplash

Cleobury Mortimer Sports & Social Club

Hash 316

Date: Thursday 10th July
Venue: Cleobury Mortimer Sports & Social Club
Food: a spectacular spread courtesy of Game Bird's mum
Beers: who knows or cares, the food was amazing
Hare: Game Bird
Visitors/virgins: none

Trail: Game Bird's GB trials (& tribulations...)

Another great turn out for yet another beautiful summer evening's hash. There were numerous fluorescent orange t-shirts, plenty of blue & green WFH3 t-shirts and an abundance of our four-legged friends too.

Game Bird had set the trail but it became evident she had recruited help from her fellow GB team mate Hash Quack and also from Bubbles who seemed to be on a busman's holiday rather than employing any coaching duties. Once some sort of order had been called and we had been briefed, we were sent off to check it out.

Bristols and Say No More were spotted dashing energetically way out across the first field only to be called back to the pack, whilst Dr Jeckyll appeared to be running the trail backwards.

The local dog walkers were both confused and bemused by the sight of such a rabble, although they all waited patiently for us to pass by.
Shirley and I were content to trot on gently in this heat, whilst the usual FRBs sprinted on ahead.

Bubbles tried (successfully I might add) to put us off the scent of the trail and we duly followed (on more than one occasion!) The Amateur had thought our hash had been sabotaged at one point, only to realise that our legs were being pulled. Hash Quack seemed to be enjoying her unusual rear position, whilst Bubbles couldn't help but create chaos & confusion and he was loving it!

Half of the hash climbed to the top of one rather large hill only to be called back down again. Instant Whip still ran the wrong way up the hill but this was just to be reunited with her lover boy.

The 1st HH promised a dip in the water but most of us found the high & dry path. Shag and Cinderella made a bit of a splash but Annie dog was the only one who took full advantage of the aqua event, whilst the rest of us waited for the contents of the rucksack to be shared. The fruit pastilles were shared out & the chocolate eclairs were distributed by Dr Whiplash in an unusual fashion.

Our elite GB athletes remained in control at the back whilst some prompting was required to keep the rest of the hash moving. The Amateur, Dr Jeckyll & Golden Shower did actually keep moving but the rest of us seemed to have planned a summer evening dawdle!

Clodhopper had his hands on the chocolates at the next hash halt, Wrong was caught watering the plants, whilst Bushwacker was looking forward to his birthday booze...

The final bit of the beautiful countryside was hashed before appearing back out onto the road: Doggy Fashion says she loves it when she know where she is! HH3 and some more chocolates & Tangfastics amongst the floral display before heading back to the on inn. The best hash ever, tonight, followed by the best hash nosh too!

Down downs: awarded by Shag to Game Bird for her wonderful hash; Game Bird's mum for her fantastic food, plus an honourary naming for her: Mrs Kipling; down downs & happy birthdays were sung to Tits or Treats, who doesn't always come to run but certainly comes for a cake (especially that cake!); and also to Bushwacker for his coming of age; Dr Jeckyll for finding the on in far too soon & finally to Well Laid for sitting on the fence.

Hot Lips x

Next week: Lay by on B455, close to Severn Valley Railway bridge, coming out of Bridgnorth WV16 6AU
(Postcode is nearest only)

Prompt start required, then afterwards at the Swan Inn, KnowleSandshttp://www.swaninnbridgnorth.com/

Please let Well Laid know your menu choices ASAP, thanks!

Waggon & Horses, Bewdley

Hash 315

Date: Thursday 3rd July 2014
Pub: Waggon & Horses, Bewdley
Beers: Bathams bitter, Robinsons cider
Food: Chicken/veggie curry, rice, naan, poppadum & birthday cake
Hare: Hotlips
Visitors/virgins: none

Trail: DF's 40th summer hashing

(To the tune of Grease's Summer Loving...)

Summer running, out on the hash
Annie's birthday, having a blast
Had a girl, she was forty
Had a hare, she was feisty
Summer days, hashing away
Ooh ah, those summer nights

A-wella wella wella ooh
We're on on, we're on on
Did we run very far?
We're on on, we're on on
With our windmills, not cars

Hash Halt 1, we had some games
Musical laps, you know the names
We had fun, larking around
We had sweets, shared them around
Hashing fun, something's begun
Ooh ah, those summer nights

Hash Halt 2, some Pimms & more fun
With a blindfold, she had to guess "who's bum?"
Out of 5, she got 1 right
She was impressed, one's really tight
Hashing games, someone's to blame
Ooh ah, those hashing nights

Hash Halt 3, this time with balls
The winner is the first one to fall
Check it out, stop hanging around
Keep on on 'til the next one is found
Summer heat, out on our feet
Ooh ah, those summer nights

Hash Halt 4, the line & the sweets
Not really sure that this one's a treat!
I s'pose we were near Devil's Spittleful
DF gets a shocking mouthful!
Summer fun, something's been done
Ooh ah, those summer nights

Hash Halt 5, with sweets & with beers
Dead or Alive? And lots of cheers!
A group photo at the end of the game
Underneath the Safari Park's name
Summer days, hashing away
Ooh ah, those summer nights

Woa woa woa...

Now it's time, that's where it ends
This birthday hash with wonderful friends
Then we made our final flee
To the on inn to have our tea
Summer dreams, ripped at the seams
Oh oh, those summer nights
Let's play more, let's play more

Hot Lips x

Down downs: awarded by Crossdresser to the birthday girl: Happy 40th DF! The hare, Hot Lips, for listening to Crossdresser's advice resulting in the best hash ever; Shag for his mediocre games; Ilse for not fully participating in tonight's windmill theme despite being our only Dutch girl; Say No More for thinking Ilse lived in a windmill(!); Dr Jeckyll for his entertaining dancing at DF's party (despite the satellite delay); and finally to Genital Reminder for being the typical Sheldon alpha male & having a little horn.

The Talbot, Newnham Bridge

Hash 314

Date: Thursday 26th June 2014
Pub: The Talbot, Newnham Bridge
Beers/ciders: HPA, Hobson's Best
Food: the best sausage & mash with carrots & red cabbage & some rather average veggie pasta
Hare: The Amateur
Visitors:virgins: None

Trail: Amateur's Trail of Tall Triffids

2 car parks was confusing enough for me but once we had parked in the overspill I remembered that the Pro & Penelope Pitstop had laid a trail from here a year ago... Not that that helped at all.

We were a bit thin on the ground again - people had obviously taken heed of the Amateur's Facebook warning (or get out clause) and chosen to stay at home.

Tits or Treats and Bushwacker had started on the ale early, and the Amateur had been half eaten alive & was already looking a little anxious (or was he just missing something?)

Copulation was ready to stand in as GM, the state of his running shorts showed he could be ready for anything! This was too much for poor Clodhopper to cope with.

Game Bird was sporting the brightest orange T-shirt ever, meanwhile Doggy Fashion had arrived in her pyjamas and was hoping that the green fabric covered in pretty flowers would deter the insects... Oh well, here we go.

A little bit of road to get us warmed up first with before cutting across the fields. The cows thankfully stayed away as we ran through their territory & we avoided a stampede. The first of many stiles was encountered and we were straight into the wilderness.

Hash Quack & Annie dog remained the FRBs this evening, despite checking out lots of long falsies (just how does she do that?), whilst the Amateur hung back with the plodders at the back.

The grass was high and we worried that the Pro (who arrived late) might not see us as she ran in the opposite direction. Not even Game Bird's T-shirt could be bright enough in these fields! She must have radioed through or had access to tonight's plan as she caught up quite nicely.

Dr Whiplash was hash flashing, Comes First was feeling sleepy and Tits or Treats was removing clothes. Bushwacker was missing his partner in crime and we were all missing our GM & hash horn.

Some uphill, some downhill, more long grass and one of the worst stiles ever: Lassie got himself hooked, Copulation not only climbed the stile but the tree too, Crossdresser went over and the whole thing collapsed. Demon Dog threw himself at it whilst Golden Shower carried Babooshka over instead.

Then came the triffids - a long, slow incline through these giant crops, where steps had to be carefully taken to avoid being swallowed in the undergrowth. We were lucky to get out alive!

The final obstacle was the double stile: Copulation found it a good viewing point before launching himself off the top, we let Demon Dog through first to prevent any casualties although Bristols managed to get stuck in the middle with little sympathy from Golden Shower.

The hash was one long assault course (thankfully without too many bugs), the 4 halts were well stocked with Haribo, beers and juices, and the food back at the on inn was lovely, although Bushwacker required removal of a foreign body.

Was it the best hash ever or the worst? I'll let you decide... (I loved it!)

Down downs: awarded by Crossdresser to the Amateur for possibly the best hash ever - there were triffids, beers & sweets plus someone saw his nuts on the car park. Myself, for my own (carelessly stupid) version of hot pants; Game Bird for her recent feat of endurance... a weekend away with Bubbles! PJ Doggy Fashion - the worst dressed Hasher since Tits or Treats' impression of Mr Tumble; and finally to tonight's youngster, Bushwacker, who is just starting out in his career but is already suffering with work-related stress... Oh bless!

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Waggon & Horses, Bewdley, DY12 1DG

Doggy Fashion's 40th birthday - bring a windmill !!