#285 Christmas Curry Hash

#285 Christmas Curry Hash

Date: Thursday 19th December, 2013
Venue: Bombay Blues, Kidderminster
Beers: extortionate
Food: Indian fayre
Hares: Crossdresser, Legover, Game Bird and Bubbles, apparently
Visitors/virgins: none

Trail:
There was a weird sense of déjà-vu (note: French phrase thrown into causual conversation, see posh test) amongst the 25 or so hashers gathered outside Bombay Blues. There was confusion over who was the actual hare, confusion over sweets…beer…GM…was it actually live…should we head straight into the restaurant?

Game Bird assured us she knew the first part of the trail so we set off to meet Crossdresser and Legover at the first HH. The trail took us round the ring road and back into town, where we weaved on the wharf, in and out of Christmas shoppers, splashing in puddles before finding our way to the canal. We took refuge under the bridge from the youths hollering at Cyclopath for the first HH. There was nearly a bag of sweets each but sadly no beer.

We carried on and I wasn’t really paying attention so I can’t remember where we went exactly…it was like a bad dream as we dodged syringes in the graveyard at St George’s, while discussing favourite Christmas songs (Game Bird’s is ‘something about a sleigh’ but she can’t remember what it’s called/how it goes, but it’s her best Christmas song ever!). There was much fretting over Charlie as he wasn’t used to the bright lights of Kiddy and kept wandering into the traffic. There was another HH and it was mentioned, not for the first time, how disappointing it was not to have any Panaché, due to a chain of unfortunate events involving campervans, car boots and kids with temperatures. Oh, and the shop over the road from Hot Lips. It was easier just to blame Cleopatra for being useless. Again. 

Anyway, the trail took us to THAT footbridge from last week, where this time we didn’t have Brussels sprouts, but Copulation did have the pleasure of his nipples’ being nibbled by Legover and pecked by Cleopatra. Think it made up for last week’s disaster. We carried on back towards Comberton Hill and under the underpass towards the ON INN SCOTT by the Glades.

Charlie the opportunist spotted the slowly closing door of Bargain Booze and dived in, much to his master’s amazement. As Shag apologetically retrieved his posh dog, the customers stared in wonder.

We all needed to sit down at the v. long table to recover from the prices of the drinks. The posh test was carried out to keep us amused while we waited for EVER for our food. No surprise that Hash Quack scored the most highly with a whopping 71%! If you’d like to see if you’re more posh than HQ, check it out at www.poshtest.com

.

Down downs:
Were awarded by Doggy Fash to hares: alpha male Doug, Crossdresser, Game Bird for being too busy (saving for her wedding?*), Stuart for going missing, Legover for his impressive Rudolph costume and assistant hare duties, and Cyclopath the fox!

Gotta go and nurse my burnt mouth and indigestion. 

Love you, bye!

Cleopatra

Next week: Family hash at HQ’s 11am Sunday 22nd December. 3 mile and 6 mile routes available.
Boxing Day run 11am Cross Keys, Suckley.

*no wedding has yet been announced

# 283

Date: Thursday 5th December 2013 
Pub: The Constitutional Club, Kinver
Beers: Gothic Ale, Enville Ginger Beer, the list went on and on…
Food: off the menu (I would really recommend the quiche)
Hare: Dr Whiplash (with a little help from his lovely assistant, Bubbles)
Visitors / virgins: none

Trail: The Hashy Birthday Hash.

It was a lovely evening, now that the wind had died down, Shag had been let out with the posh motor this evening but still had to tie his own shoelaces, Cross Dresser was just relieved to be out, whilst Russell Sprout was in his own little musical world.

There were no real rules tonight, we would hopefully find some flour and hopefully make it around Kinver and be back in time for tea, but who knows? No hash horn this evening – hopefully he made it out of Mortimer forest at the weekend?

Some started off the wrong way, certain they were on the right trail, only to be called back down the High Street. And so off down to the canal, where someone else was sure it wouldn’t be this way but we were wrong again!

Lots of lovely off road (although the Enville ginger beer seems to have wiped out my memory of most of the run!) There was a hash halt near the canal, where Cleopatra was tempted to push Shag over the bridge into the water. He narrowly escaped to tell the story of Lily Savage and the spinning pensioner.

We couldn’t decide who was responsible for the perfectly circular checks: Dr Whiplash or his glamorous assistant Bubbles. Some technical drawing implements had obviously been drafted in for the occasion.

The last HH followed the ascent to Whiplash’s house, although we had to make do with drinks and mince pies served from the boot of his car. He was congratulated for the provision of Panache, whereas I broke out into some cheesy poetry.

Dr Jeckyll got caught out on the trail, as his other half couldn’t be bothered to check it out with him (we were far too busy chatting!) It was a long way back down to the on inn, Copulation finding some extra wind power to speed him up.

A few birthday beers, some good pub grub, Game Bird’s delicious cakes and a round of “Happy Birthday to you” saw the night off quite nicely!

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion to Dr Whiplash for his happy birthday philosophical hash, where you knew you were on if you weren’t wrong, some precision circles and the car boot hash halt; Dr Jeckyll for calling a false when it wasn’t, Sucks It Up for sending Dr Jeckyll to check out a trail as she couldn’t be bothered to check it herself and finally to Say No More for flashing the RA and Dr Jeckyll back at the on inn!

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Viaduct, Kidderminster, DY10 1XL

The Button Oak, Button Oak

# 282

Date: Thursday 28th November 2013 
Pub: The Button Oak, Button Oak
Beers: Doom Bar, Worthingtons Creamflow, Stowford Press cider, Thatchers Gold cider
Food: off the menu
Hare: Game Bird (with a little help from Bubbles)
Visitors / virgins: none

Trail: The muddiest hash – you have been warned!

Well it was all going on on the car park before we started – Penelope Pitstop had turned up early, Cross Dresser was expressing his female side with his pink footwear, Wrong was well equipped with his snow chains and Shag had to seal Leg Over’s holes with a bit of gaffer tape. And then someone had to wait behind for Cyclopath who was fashionably late…

Food orders were swiftly sorted, there was lots of gesticulation from Game Bird and then the 20 or so hashers and Babooshka set off into the night. A brief sprint out of the car park and down the road before turning right and into the muddy wilderness, never to be seen again… well, for the next hour or so anyway.

The warning of mud was soon experienced as we trudged our way along the tracks, almost losing Hot Lips and Cinderella in the deep, muddy furrows. There wasn’t much flour to find but that didn’t matter as an excitable Game Bird led the way – and that’s why we call her the leader of the pack!

Cyclopath joined us at the first HH, in a clearing on a hill, just in time to share the fine selection of sweets – “eclair anyone?” It wasn’t long before we were off again, Doggy Fashion still chewing on her rationed one sweet. Slip-sliding down yet another muddy path into the woods, everyone somehow managing to stay on their feet… or did they?

Hash Quack was way out ahead, missing hash halts at any given opportunity, Well Laid was daintily treading, trying desperately not to fall whilst Tits or Treats was giggling about her big sister’s baggy trousers. Who’s the Daddy, Lassie and Copulation were checking out the trail again, only to be called back just in time to see Cross Dresser howling at the MOon.

An obligatory shot of the muddiest shoes ever and were off again, Dr Whiplash speeding past everyone, Wrong weighed down by the mud and chains and Game Bird’s call of “éclair anyone?” yet again. Hash Quack led the way to the on inn, where the doctor had a little experiment in store for us…

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion (along with the colossally mammoth thanks to the pub) to Game Bird for her best ever hash; Cross Dresser for his pink socks; Leg Over for surviving the run in his taped up shoes; Wrong for his jock strap snow shoes and to Dr Whiplash for falling (I missed that one!)

The doctor’s experiment: to see who’s the biggest hash drinker – there was no contest really, Hot Lips had downed hers in no time at all, Compost came a close second, leaving Cross Dresser desperately trying to down his without puking! (Someone else for the doghouse tonight?)

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Constitutional Club, Kinver, DY7 6HL

The Baiting House, Upper Sapey (or Worst Hash Ever)

#281 (Worst Hash Ever) or The Baiting House, Upper Sapey

Date: 21st November 2013
Pub: The Baiting House, Upper Sapey
Beers: Dunno
Food: The Best Lasagne in the World, Veggie Curry
Hares: Shag and Webby

Trail:
Well. The moon looked great tonight as we set off across fields on what turned out to be a guided ramble, on a route not dissimilar to that of Shag's 50th birthday hash... We had 2 hash halts at locations with easy access to roads (possibly so that flour could be chucked from car windows) but we didn't care. We had marshmallows.
We were promised mud, and we got mud. The third hash halt (Carpy's beautiful Georgian farmhouse) was an oasis of gentility in a sea of slurry. I'm not sure their decking will recover. And neither will my toenails, which are still stained greeny brown (although according to Doggy Fashion this can be sorted with a spot of purple nail varnish).

Down downs:
Hares Shag and Webby for the worst hash ever (it seemed to the 20 or so hashers that they had started off with good intentions, sprinkling a bit of finest whole grain flour for half a mile or so, and then decided they'd go back to the pub for a few beers but then couldn't really be bothered to complete the task), Bruce for planning to turn up in shorts to pretend he'd run but in the end couldn't even be bothered to do that, Lassie for having new shoes and a naming for Rachel 3rd: Still Sore as this was her response to Annie's question "how are you feeling after the weekend?".

Ok, bye!

Cleopatra

Next week: The Button Oak, Button Oak

The Land Oak, Kidderminster

# 180

Date: Thursday 14th November 2013 
Pub: The Land Oak, Kidderminster
Beers: Hobgoblin & Banks’s Bitter
Food: 2 for 1 off the menu
Hare: Clodhopper
Visitors / virgins: none

Trail: The unpredictable hash...

A cold, wintry evening saw Clodhopper arise from his sick bed to rescue tonight’s fun and games, and fun and games they certainly were! About 20 hashers (no wammals) set off down Chester Road North, turning left into Hurcott Road, encountering some confusion on the brow of the hill causing the FRBs to end up at the back before heading back and down Gheluvelt Avenue. 

The Amateur and Say No More got back to the front as we went down to the foxholes and behind the houses on the Stourbridge road. Game Bird was given some inside information and swiftly made it down to Springfield park to the 1st HH. Darth Radar shared the fruit pastilles and Doggy Fashion was impressed with the offerings.

Across (not through) the stream and all areas were being checked out but Say No More managed to pick up the trail whilst we were out in the open, although lost it again once we headed into the muddy woods. Another complete turnaround with the FRBs at the back yet again kept Clodhopper chuckling to himself! 

Back along canal to the 2nd HH, with another fine selection of sweets, but a missed Hash View. Shag was making his own hash view courtesy of Hot Lips, Doggy Fashion and Wrong, who’d made a welcome return. It’ll be interesting to see if he gets his new App. patented.

Back down towards the park on Waterside Grange, where Shag wanted another impromptu HH but was left alone on the climbing frame. Round onto the canal towpath again and we experienced Clodhopper’s twisty turny way of a straight route!

Down to the bridge and much more confusion as noone was calling and everyone was everywhere! Beavis and Butthead were way out front and probably causing the confusion, meanwhile, Hotlips, Cleopatra & Game Bird were FRBs on more than one occasion – go girls!

Lassie had missed 2 HH’s and was found at the 3rd, Who’s the Daddy was on a red bull roll and was pretty unstoppable and Shag actually was on his best behaviour, for once, despite being goaded for information! Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy are safe this week.

The last part of the trail gained even more unpredictability as it took us under the underpass, where Beavis & Butthead charmed us with their dulcet cavemen tones. The Amateur tried finding a trail that wasn’t there and ended up at the back yet again, with him and the Pro discussing the advantages of good hearing. 

Down onto the towpath again, cutting back onto Weaver’s Wharf, past Frankie & Benny’s and into town where some of us were showered with salt grit (just in case we were freezing). Through the town centre, up the old high street, right onto Worcester Street and a very cheeky checkback taking us up the steps onto Bromsgrove Street. 

The final HH before setting off under the subway and following our noses back to the on inn – but oh no, Clodhopper hadn’t finished with us yet! Yet more twists and turns up Offmore road, winding back onto Leswell Lane then back down to Offmore Road again, scaring some poor householder stupid as we hollered past her window. Back onto the Chester Road and a straightforward On Inn – although I was sure we were going to be led a merry dance somewhere along the way…

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion to Clodhopper for his brilliant hash, keeping everyone on their toes & giving everyone a chance at being an FRB; Lassie, who finally came home and is finally out of the doghouse too; and finally to Game Bird and Cyclopath for using Sainsbury’s for their “conveniences”

Hope you’re all having a fabulous hash weekend : )

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Baiting House, Upper Sapey, WR6 6XT

The Monster Hash

# 277

Date: Thursday 31st October 2013

Pub: The Angel, Stourport
Beers: Marston’s Old Empire, Ringwood, Boondoggle
Food: meat / veggie chilli, beef stew & huge hunks of bread
Hare: Lassie
Visitors / virgins: Emily (hashling)

The Monster Hash

We were running through Stourport on Thursday night
The locals would behold an eerie sight
From the Angel, in our costumes, we began to rise
And suddenly, to our surprise

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Up through the town and along the streets
Stopping along the way for spooky sweets
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
For a Halloween run along the roads

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

The ghosts and zombies were having fun
The witching party had just begun
Cyclopath, GB and DF were dolled up right
But Plays with IT was a frightening sight

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Lots of hashlings had come out for the night
The entertainment was a spooky delight
Marshmallow and apple bobbing and if you dare
Shag’s filthy bucket of bodily spares

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

The carved pumpkins were glowing bright
Dr Whiplash’s wolf won first prize
The dog got singed but the punch was lush
Before Ollie joined Shag to fling some more mush

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

The horn was blowing and the skeletons raced
Lady Penelope was yet again setting the pace
The Pro’s undies were greenly glowing
And Lassie was telling us where we were going

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Ghoulish makeup was the name of the game
I don’t think Cross Dresser will ever be the same
Back across the common, heading back to the pub
To drink our beers and eat our grub

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Doggy Fashion’s cake was amazingly good
For Lassie’s birthday, a welcome pud
We all applauded his ghoulish trail
The birthday boy in his bewitching regale

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was his birthday bash
We did the hash
It was a Halloween smash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Down downs to all the hashlings who were rewarded with wands
Plays with IT has some clever hands
Lauren won best costume in her monster high dress
Plays with IT won worst for his frightful veg

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Lassie and Mrs Lassie for the best hash and halt
For the fun and games, they’re worth their salt
Bushwhacker and Sprout were renamed Beavis and Butthead
Ollie – Puke Chucker - when RA could wet his head

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash

Shag, the mischief-maker in his ghoulish frock
And Ollie’s a real old chip off the block
And that concludes events for tonight at least
We’ll all be back again with Tits or Treats

We did the hash
We did the monster hash
The monster hash
It was a graveyard smash
We did the hash
It was caught by hash flash
We did the hash
We did the monster hash



Hot Lips x
(with the help of Bobby “Boris” Pickett)

Next week: The Steps, Clifton-upon-Teme, WR6 6EN
Bonfire Hash – bring a firework!

The Swan, Blakedown

# 276

Date: Thursday 24th October 2013 

Pub: The Swan, Blakedown

Beers: Hopeless, EPA, Thatchers cider

Food: off the menu

Hares: Dr Jeckyll and Shirley

Trail: The horses, trains & automobiles hash! 

22 excitable hashers, with a big medical contingent tonight, 1 Demon Dog, the usual chaos on the car park with lots of interruptions requiring reprimanding by Cross Dresser. The dinner order was finally sorted, we got the lowdown from Dr Jeckyll, our virgin hare, and then we were off.

A great mixture of on and off road this evening, starting out on the Birmingham Road, going up and over the railway track, then back down through the houses and onto Mill Lane and around Churchill. Not much calling out from the FRBs but the hash horn was reliably sounding out up ahead. 

Hash Quack was on one, Bushwhacker and Russell Sprout were the hapless duo and Shag was mesmerised by shrinking buns. Across the fields and a herd of frisky horses slowed us down a little but horse-whisperers Penelope Pitstop and the Pro took the gently, gently approach, whilst Who’s the Daddy took a more manly approach, sending the horses galloping away. Back over the railway line and the gentle hum of a train approaching. Like starry-eyed children, we all stopped to watch it go by, apart from Hash Quack who was obliviously checking out the route a few fields away…

Plenty of Haribo at the first HH gets Dr Jeckyll his first brownie point and then we faced our next obstacle – the road. All was quiet for the first few to cross, then a commotion developed behind as the rear two thirds of the hash stopped the traffic. A large queue was forming behind a lorry and the hashers were relishing the attention whilst they sauntered across the A456. All we needed now was the helicopter…

Down into the woods again where the paths got wetter and muddier, the hills got steeper but the flour remained in abundance, well, mostly. Sprout lost his shoe and got stuck in the mud, a group came to his assistance in searching for the muddied trainer, whilst the FRBs thought they’d taken the wrong trail. More uphill climbing after the regrouping and Lady Penelope was sure she knew the way…

It was a fair old trek to the next HH but the boys were rewarded with a great tree to climb and more Haribo for the rest of us. Hash Quack, still on one, was eager to check it out way too soon and headed off in the wrong direction. There seemed to be a little confusion about the way to go… or was the hare just making us work? We finally picked up the right trail, there was some barging at the stile and then a real “out-of-control” downhill – wa-heeeeeeey! 

The final furlong saw Lady Penelope up front, calling the way to a bemused Cross Dresser behind her who seemed to be impersonating one of the royal family. A few more country lanes and we were back to the on inn with food fit for a king.

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion to our hares Dr Jeckyll and Hairy Shirley (not actually her name) for their perfect virgin hash with a fine array of obstacles; Lady Penelope the pill-popping, tom-tomming, FRB who also happened to arrive early - the new Porsche must be a faster ride than the range rover darling. Russell Sprout for becoming shoeless in the mud and having everyone else look for it; and finally, the RA felt it fitting to award herself a down down for helping with the shoe fiasco… well, why not?

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Angel, Stourport, DY13 9EW – Halloween Hash. 

Bring your spooky carved pumpkins, they will be taken to a secret HH and judged later…

Saints Memorial Hash

# 275

Date: Thursday 10^th October 2013

Pub: The Bridge Inn, Stanford Bridge

Beers: HPA, Otter Bright, Three Tuns, Hobson’s Mild, Hobson’s Twisted Spire, Robinsons cider, Stowford Press cider

Food: meat / veggie chillli & rice

Hares: Hash Quack & Get Down Shep

Trail: a lovely trail this evening for Saint’s memorial hash.  An excellent turn out too, despite the drop in temperature and it was good to see so many of us wearing stripes in his memory.  The rain did threaten briefly on the ride out to Stanford Bridge but thankfully held off.  There was, of course, the usual chaos on the car park at the start, plus the obligatory latecomer...

A 4-miler from Hash Quack? Surely not!  The mention of only 2 HHs caused a few sighs so we added our own anyway.  Doggy Fashion was telling us about last week’s decree of a minimum of Haribo at a HH.  We didn’t think we’d get anything this evening but how wrong could we be?  A beautiful location at the top of the hill next to the church and we were treated to Hash Quack’s antique washing basket full of goodies!  Legover appeared out of nowhere to “help” and promptly spilled the contents all over the floor, causing a few breakages along the way.  Then, armed with beers, squash and sweets, Cross Dresser led the toast to our gone but never forgotten friend. 

Who’s the Daddy thought he heard Shag say he was going to visit his mother’s drain, whilst Legover was quizzed over yet another late appearance.  Cross Dresser was intent on feeling sexually harassed, whilst Get Down Shep was feeling the pain and had to duck out early.  What could possibly go wrong, Hash Quack’s a true professional isn’t she?

Lots of off road, plenty of hills, plenty of obstacles in the forms of fallen tree trunks and low-slung branches (not that they affect all of us) and plenty of stinging nettles still.  A muddy downhill put the Amateur on his behind, whilst Shag and Demon Dog were trying to mislead us down the wrong path.

Game Bird found herself tangled up in barbed wire, we found more crosses than flour, we were on-back more than we were on-on and then Hash Quack lost the trail herself!  We were led down through the woods, almost got decapitated by low branches whipping back in our faces, only to be led back again, the disturbed pheasants sounding more like a herd of manic horses than flapping birds.  The howling dogs added to the atmosphere of chaos we seemed to be causing, then we heard Hash Quack’s squeals of delight, as she’d found her own trail!

I managed to somehow join Copulation, Clodhopper and Lassie, the usual FRBs, but was too easily corrupted by Cross Dresser and had Lassie mooning and the rest of us howling.  Torchy the Battery Boy had been spotted trying to up-end Who’s the Daddy as he squatted with shoelace trouble.  Early Riser and Cross Dresser were also feeling a bit frisky and retorted to Torchy’s antics with some tipping of their own.

Back out on the road, the masses spotted a check at a stile, raced off down the field but couldn’t decipher the marking on the cowpat.  We were sure it would be this way but Hash Quack knew we’d think that too.  A kind passer by in her 4X4 asked if we were lost?  Ha! Us? Not lost, just a little fooled by Hash Quack’s cunning plan to take us along the road.  All in all, a great run, the longest on-inn in history (or were Lady Penelope & I so deep in conversation that we did the very opposite of short-cutting?) and some very fine food back at the on-inn.

Down downs: awarded by Doggy Fashion to Hash Quack and Get Down Shep for their worst hash with no styles or footpaths, only to be redeemed by proper refreshments; Legover for making a hash of the one job he was given to do; Cleopatra for leaving her back door open; Who’s the Daddy for his cruelty to children; Early Riser and Cross Dresser for their bullying and finally to Penelope Pitstop for getting her puppy out back at the on inn.

Hot Lips x

Next week: Ketch Inn, Worcester, WR5 3HW 

The Sun, Romsley

# 272

Date: Thursday 19th September 2013
Pub: The Sun, Romsley
Beer: Hobgoblin, Black Diamond, Pedigree, Symonds cider
Food: 2 for 1 off the menu
Hare: “Captain Kidd” Clodhopperrrr
Visitors: none
Virgins: none

Trail: Ahoy me hearrrties! It’s international talk like a pirate day. All hope abandon, ye who enter here… 

The 3 buccaneers: Blackbeard, Captain Jack Sparrow & Georgette “Cutlass Rattler” Blamey, plus Long John Skywalker & Lassie “Calico Jack” dressed up for the occasion o’ setting tonight’s hash asail. The rest o’ the landlubbers had missed this verrrry imporrrrtant inforrrrmation an’ looked verrrrry confused to say the least. Let’s see who sails an’ who gets tossed overboard shall we…? 

A perrrrfect trail from Captain “Kidd” Clodhopperrrr this evening, set in wood-based derrrrrivatives an’ mostly off road, as we like it. Lots of checking out, lots of falsies an’ lots of sawdust (for a change). Heading down from the Sun, through Romsley, before cutting off into the countryside for some jolly japes.

Swashbucklers Copulation, Lassie “Calico Jack” an’ the Amateur nearly always out front but Clodhopperrrr had some tricks up his sleeve to slow ‘em down. Groans from the masses as we took the trail into the woods, only to find ourselves looping back out into the fields again – arrrgh!

Lots of talk about sex and exploding corpses from buccaneers Shag and Doggy Fashion, both of whom, it seems, can make a story out o’ just about anything. There was a beautiful low harvest moon, with some perrrrrfect photo oporrrrtunities – luckily not all of them ended up on my phone.

There were 3 Hash Halts, with rationed loot at each one (apart from the smuggled delights at the final HH). Blackbeard tried to get us to walk the plank at any given opportunity, whilst the old sea dog Wrong was happy to jump in the water to disguise the fact he needed to relieve himself. He got so desperate he was finally discovered in an uncompromising position.

The final leg saw about half a dozen FRBs going the wrong way. Were they called back? Oh no, let them run. Ha harrrr! Men over board! Arrrr! The uphill back to the on inn saw swashbuckling hashling Long John Skywalker rob Captain Jack Sparrow o’ his prize o’ getting back to the battle cruiser first – get in therrrrrrre me lad!

Grog grog: given by DF to Clodhopper for being the best hare everrrr; Wrong for tuning into his pirate radio station; Hot Lips for being the best dressed pirate who made no secret of smuggling her gems; Game Bird for the aftermath of last week’s hash by Bubbles and finally to Cinderella for losing one of her garrrments.

Hot Lips x

p.s. find your own pirate name: www.pirate.namegeneratorfun.com/fun

The Sun at Romsley Hash by Lassie  Details

Next week: The Fox Inn, Hanley Broadheath, WR15 8QS

Met at Kinver Edge Farm Shop, after at the Constitution Club, Kinver

 #271

Date: Thursday 12th September
Venue: meet at Kinver Edge Farm Shop, after at the Constitution Club, Kinver
Food: off the menu
Beers: The biggest collection I’ve ever seen: Holy Cow, Bonkers Conkers, Golden Glow, Hobson’s Best, Town Crier, Enville Ginger, Hereford Pale, Cleric’s Cure, Holden’s Special, Black Pear, Enville Ale. Ciders: Stowford Press, Westons Wyld Wood
Hares: Game Bird & Bubbles, although Bubbles copped out of actually running the route 
Visitors: Shirley & the Duracell Bunny
Virgins: none

Trail: Loads of hashers (about 30) this drizzly evening, only a couple of hashlings and one wammal (Maisie, who only made a guest appearance at the start) and plenty of shorts and knee-length socks – well done everyone! And so the joker briefed us: “it’s laid in wood-based derivatives on the left side of the path… until you see them on the right side of the path… then there’s lots of down… then there’s lots of up…” Oh please, let’s just get on with it shall we?

Off we set, some up the lane, others down the lane, some of us got it right and everyone else followed until we reached the first check… Which way should we go? No one knows, maybe the hare will know? Oh, no, she doesn’t? Oh well, let’s just make it up then shall we? The usual suspects were out at the front, checking out the possibilities, Hash Quack going one way, the Amateur going the other, the rest of us already chancing an opportunity to head straight back to the pub.

Oh yes, it’s this way, she remembered, so off we went, still none the wiser as no “wood based derivatives” had been seen yet anyway. The next check caused just as much confusion and we spent 10 minutes running up and down various routes – yes, this is it, no, there’s nothing, yes this is it, no, there’s a cross, actually this is it! The hare was out at the front, desperately trying to remember her way around, yet it seemed that her co-hare had set her up to fail and was probably sitting in a warm cosy pub somewhere laughing to himself.

The HHs were stumbled upon in no particular order. Occasional hashers claimed to have found the trail, however, we still looked like a disorganised search party. Poor Game Bird spent as much time checking out the route as we did and was noticeably delighted when she found her own trail, flailing her arms around in the air and whooping along!

And so, despite the rain & the total chaos, we somehow made it back to the cars for just after 8. Was it Quantum physics? Quantum mechanics? Or was it just that we Quant be bothered anymore? Your guess is as good as mine…

Meanwhile back at the Constitution Club, Bubbles was hardly recognizable as he sat at the bar, looking like a cross between some 60s glam rock star and Paul Weller, buying everybody drinks!

Down downs: Game Bird and Bubbles for the worst hash ever, a lack of drinks and Bubbles being the birthday boy in a wig; Shirley (Dr Jeckyll’s wife); the Duracell Bunny for his new shoes, Cleopatra – comin’ at ya; and a naming for Sue: Hairy Bush.

Hot Lips x

Next week: The Sun, Romsley, B62 0LA

Ye Olde Seven Stars, Kidderminster

# 270

Date: Thursday 5th September 2013

Pub: Ye Olde Seven Stars, Kidderminster

Food: homemade meat / veggie chilli & baked potatoes

Beers: Abbot Ale, Great White Geek (especially for 2 of the hares), Old Speckled Hen, Silver King, Sneck Lifter. Ciders: Thatchers Gold, Stowford Press, Strongbow

Hares: The 3 Musketeers

Visitors: Mike (Compost’s mate)

Virgins: none

Trail: It started out as total and utter chaos, with 17 hashers and half a dozen hashlings, all very excitable and distracted right from the start. The GM found it difficult to lay down any sort of law and order and swiftly sent them off to check it out, which they did, all of them in the wrong direction! This gave the 3 musketeers another chance for yet another dodgy selfie as they stood for what seemed like an age, waiting for the hashers to return.

And so, finally on the right track, the flock headed up Blackwell Street and towards the Horsefair. Not much checking out at the start and they mostly moved as a collective this evening, much to their detriment as they would later find out. Lassie being one of the few to branch out on his own, only to find himself high and dry on the ring road. The 3 musketeers sauntered behind.

Through St George’s park, Shag looking very pleased with himself for noticing the landmark miniature stone circle. Cutting up towards St George’s church, where the flock went off in search of imaginary flour, led by young Lost Skywalker. Another chance for the 3 musketeers to have a little chat before calling them back, although the RA was not amused by the use of hand signals.

Trenchfoot, Copulation & Hash Quack ventured out on their own for a while as there were more checks than you could shake a stick at (much to the disgust of 2 of the musketeers). A few more of the flock went running off a little too far and had to be reigned in, before they all found their way into Baxter Gardens.

Copulation headed off for a game of tennis and had to be called back across the park and up to Hurcott Road. The 3 musketeers waited patiently whilst Lost Skywalker led the flock in the wrong direction yet again (there’s a clue in his name!) Trenchfoot, Shag and Doggy Fashion had the upper hand for a while as they had realised the aim of the game – to follow the spots of flour, not the youngest hashling who claimed he knew where he was going.

And so, back down into the Horsefair, where we were hoping to meet Legover, who was arriving fashionably late. Whiplash was left hanging around on the street corner whilst the rest of us descended down towards Waterside Grange. The flock was herded over to the climbing frame for the first HH and all were rewarded with sweet treats regardless. Another wonderful photo opportunity for Cross Dresser, before checking out the next part of the route.

Legover, the latecomer, was found to be encouraging walking amongst the hashers and was swiftly reprimanded. Most of the flock actually took the correct route for once, looping around the houses and down onto the canal, with Lost Skywalker the FRB, whilst Shag and Doggy Fashion shortcutted to meet them (the 3 musketeers obviously took that route for more photo shooting of course).

Game Bird became more like Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee, attending to and encouraging the hashlings along this straight stretch of tow-path. All were treated to a “Hash View” of the winged sculptures across the water but this was the calm before the storm: a very sneaky check back took the hashers half a mile upstream before having to return to the lock to pick up the right trail. I think it was lucky that none of the musketeers were pushed into the canal at this point!

More aimless following of non-trails, no-one really paying any attention to where the hares were heading, despite calls of “are you?” until Trenchfoot finally stumbled over some flour. The hashlings had again talked Shag into piggy-back rides. The RA, not to be outdone, got herself her own ride down the field too although her tight-gripping thighs were almost too much to bear. Plays with IT and Russell Sprout lit up the undergrowth with their premature beams and Copulation was spotted by one of his own – evening all.

A mad dash across the open field, a swing on the high bars for Copulation and an unexpected dip in the stream for Hot Lips was followed by beers and more sweets. The RA apparently needed cooling down after her ride and was treated to a dip too. The waterproof phone cover really does what it says – excellent!

Cleopatra was pointed in the right direction as the trail double-backed over itself but still managed to not quite get it right. The rest of the hash had to be called back yet again, as these twists and turns left them exasperated and untrusting. Up towards Sion Hill, then cutting back down through Springfield Park and along the path out to Broadwaters.

The hashlings were now trying to talk Legover into piggy-back rides up the hill but they met with some resistance. They regained their energy at the final HH as they found the trampoline whilst Pimms cocktail was served to the adults. Hot Lips changed out of her wet t-shirt and Doggy Fashion nicked Trenchfoot’s newly acquired top.

More chaos and hand signals to help the hashers wind through the alleyways onto the Birmingham Road and the long straight to the on inn. Lost Skywalker kept the pace way out front with Hash Quack, whilst Game Bird’s childminding skills had by now gone a bit awry and she was losing hashlings all over the place. Despite the chaos, everyone returned safely to enjoy a lovely feast.

Down downs: the longest list ever awarded by Doggy Fashion to the 3 musketeers: Cross Dresser, Dr Whiplash and Hot Lips for their chaotic hash with the worst falsies ever but some great sweets (plus Hot Lips’s spectacular slip into the stream); Lost Skywalker for his ability to led everyone astray at any given opportunity; Legover the disruptive latecomer; Game Bird for her childminding; Shag for his piggy backs; Trenchfoot for his welcome return (also for letting DF wear his brand new hash t-shirt); Plays with IT and Russell Sprout for glowing in the dusk and finally to Charlie’s Angels: Sabrina (Mia), Selina (Charlie) and Tilly (Amelie).

Hot Lips x

Next week: Kinver Edge Farm Shop, Church Hill (afterwards at the Constitutional Club, Kinver – Bubbles’s birthday hash)

The Olde Seven Stars Hash by Lassie Garmin Connect - Details